How We Manage a Bedtime Routine with Five Young Children

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How We Manage a Bedtime Routine with Five Young Children

Over the years, we have tweaked our bedtime routine to help us put all five of our children to bed every night before 8:30 p.m. Without an established bedtime routine, putting our five kids to bed would totally stress me out, but as we enter our evening routine, I am filled with a sense of peace knowing that things will pretty much run on autopilot once the sequence begins, we’ll be able to give every child special attention, and everyone will go to bed easily, happily, and without complaint. (Not only that but the house will be clean and everything will be ready for the next day.)

I don’t think there’s a magic recipe for the perfect routine as long as there is a routine that both the parents and children are familiar with. This is what works for us.

The Importance of Routine

During the summer, we stick to the same sequence of events, but the timing is more flexible because we know that we can stay up later and the kids can sleep in. During the school year, our sequence of events is ruled by the clock. There is still some flexibility based on circumstances, but we basically try to follow the schedule based on time. The kids really like it too. They’ll look at the time and remind us of what step we need to be on. I really think it makes them feel empowered and safe to know what is going to happen next every step of the way.

If you need a laugh, I love how comedian Jim Gaffigan explains what a bedtime without routine might feel like in his stand up from Dad Is Fat.

“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve never been to sleep before. “Bed? What’s that? No, I’m not doing that.” 

Establishing a New Bedtime Routine After Having a Baby

Every time we’ve had another baby, we’ve had to modify our bedtime routine. It’s always a bit weird and awkward at first, but we keep tweaking it until everything is just right. Sometimes the kids are a bit defiant or unsure of the new routine, but we keep at it knowing that in time it will become second nature to them. We also know that if something is just not working or someone is throwing a fit, we just do whatever we can to plow forward and know that we will reconvene, make a new plan, and make the adjustments needed the next night.

1. Dinner (5:00 – 5:30 p.m.)

It’s funny to think of bedtime starting with dinner, but I like to send all of my children to bed with full bellies, so the sequence for me starts here! All of my kids are such picky eaters and have their own likes/dislikes/cravings/needs, so I like to think of a general theme and then supplement with what each child will require. We typically go for a family style meal with lots to choose from so kids can pick what they want, and I like us to eat outside at the picnic table whenever possible. (Far less clean up!)

Sometimes we all sit around the table to eat, but there is always someone who needs a diaper change or throwing a tantrum it seems, so the dinner table is kind of a revolving door. Also, Scott and I are eating a really specific keto diet for weight loss, so we eat our own food. After everyone has eaten dinner, Scott and I clean up while the kids run off to play. This is a nice time for us to finally catch up with each other!

2. Family Time (5:30 – 6:30 p.m.)

After we clean up dinner, we like to spend some time playing together as a family. Even if the house is messy or there are other things to be done, we pause all chores and spend some quality time together having fun. If the weather is nice, we love hanging out in our backyard or going on an adventure somewhere in town. But if the weather is bad, we’ll stay inside and find something fun to do. Before we start the next part of the sequence (which is pajamas and choice time), we have the kids help us pick up the yard and/or house.

3. Pajamas and Choice Time (6:30 p.m.)

At 6:30 p.m., we start pajamas and choice time. Once kids get their pajamas on, they have about 30 minutes to do whatever they want (which is usually some sort of technology like watching YouTube videos or TV, playing the WiiU, or playing a game on their tablets).

Ruby and Elliot are really good about putting their pajamas on and putting their dirty clothes in their hampers. Ruby likes to be alone in her room for her choice time and Elliot usually likes to use the computer in the kitchen. Ophelia could put her pajamas on by herself, but lately she has been pretending to be a baby and wants me to put her pajamas on for her, so I do. (This is a big year for her starting kindergarten and I am totally fine if she wants to take a mental break from that.) Scott and I put Julian and Jack’s pajamas on too, and then Ophelia and Julian usually cuddle up in our bed with their tablets. Sometimes we’ll turn the TV on for Jack if he’s cuddly and sleepy, and other times he still has energy to burn and continues playing.

While this is going on, Scott and I prepare everyone’s rooms by turning on fans, lamps, and air conditioners or heaters (if needed), get tooth brushes ready, tidy up the house, do the remaining dishes, prepare after dinner snacks (chips and cheese and any leftovers from dinner), and get things ready for tomorrow (backpacks out, set the table for breakfast, etc.).

4. Our Room (7:00 p.m.)

At 7:00 p.m. we tell everyone that choice is over, plug in devices, and meet in our bedroom. During this time, there’s usually some kind of show playing that everyone will like (Storybots is popular right now and a really cool educational show) and Scott wrestles with everyone while I get Ruby’s room and Jack’s bottle ready plus do all of the last minute things that need to be done including brushing my teeth and getting my pajamas on. After all of my jobs are done, I like to tickle, cuddle, wrestle, and play with the kids too. Sometimes kids play with legos at our lego table and sometimes the sleepy or sick ones will cuddle in our bed ready for nigh-night.

This is our last chance to make sure everyone has had enough food for the day, so we will usually bring in the leftovers from dinner, some chips and cheese, and some of my homemade cookies for everyone to snack on. We give last call for chips and cheese about ten minutes before the next step in the sequence.

5. Teeth Brushing (7:30 p.m.)

At 7:30 p.m., we whisper to Ophelia to brush her teeth (because if she’s not first she will have an absolute meltdown, and we’ve made the decision that this is best for all of us) then we do a clapping pattern and chant, “Let’s go brush our teeth! Let’s go brush our teeth!” We turn off the TV, gather all dishes, turn out the lights, and meet the kids in the bathroom.

The three older ones use flossers and then electric toothbrushes to brush their teeth. I still like to brush Ophelia’s teeth every few days, but she does a pretty good job of brushing them herself as do Ruby and Elliot. Julian brushes his teeth with the big kids and then Scott brushes them again in his bed. I hold Jack on my lap and brush his teeth. He opens his mouth for about ten seconds and then it’s like wrestling with a snake, but we get the job done.

6. Little Ones to Bed (Done at 8:00 p.m.)

Ruby, Elliot, and Jack

After teeth brushing, Ruby and Elliot watch Jack in the living room while Scott and I put Ophelia and Julian to bed. To ensure that Jack won’t leave the living room, we put up a baby gate and Ruby and Elliot put one of his favorite TV shows on (currently True or Trolls). *When Jack was a newborn, I would just carry him with me while putting Ophelia and Ruby to bed and then nurse him to sleep after that until he was about 3 months old and able to be left with Ruby and Elliot. 

Daddy and Julian

Scott chases Julian up the stairs, and Julian squeals in delight as he tries to run up the stairs ahead of Daddy. Then Julian throws the door open and jumps into bed. Scott gives him a flashlight while he goes to fill up his water bottle with fresh cold water. When he comes back, Julian is hiding under the covers with his flashlight while Daddy creeps into the room and hides somewhere different each night. Then, when Julian can’t take it anymore (The anticipation is too much!), he pops out of the blanket and Scott runs at him with an, “Ahhhh!” Julian loves it!

Next, he takes a drink of water while Scott finds a book to read. After reading, they look at pictures on Daddy’s phone. When they’re done, Julian turns Daddy’s phone off and says “Boom!” as he drops the phone on his chest, and then Daddy gets into his little toddler bed and snuggles him. They talk about their day, then they give a kiss, and Scott gets out of bed, gives another kiss, and then heads to the door saying, “I love you! Good night! Sweet dreams!” Julian repeats what he says and sometimes changes the words in a funny way (like he does for everything), and then Scott shuts the door and creeps slowly down the stairs.

Mommy and Ophelia

Across the hall, Ophelia and I are going through her bedtime routine at the same time as Daddy and Julian. After she leads the way up the stairs, we always race to her twin bed (her second bed) and hop under the large silky blanket. She turns on my phone and we cuddle up to watch three Kids Learning Tube videos (before these videos we would watch Dr. Binocs). Then she goes pee on the little potty in her room, and I tuck her into bed. We talk about her day and what the next day is going to be like, then I turn off her light, and we kiss each other on the cheeks at the same time and forehead (her idea).

As I back away to the door she always says things like, “I hope you get good sleep and don’t get a virus!” and then she usually keeps trying to say one more thing and one more thing as I try to find a stopping point and say, “Goodnight darling, I love you, sweet dreams!” She often says the last thing after I shut the door and so I’ll say one last thing to her on the monitor when I get to the bottom of the stairs. After she knows that I’m gone, she’ll turn on her bedside lamp and read out loud to herself for about 30 minutes before turning out her light. (Before going to school, she would often stay up until 11:00 p.m. or later reading, singing, and playing and then sleep in until 10:00 or 11:00 a.m. the next day, but now that she gets up early for school, she goes to bed at a decent time.)

When I’m done putting Ophelia to bed, Scott is usually in the living room hanging out with Ruby, Elliot, and Jack. Sometimes they’ll read a chapter book together, sometimes they’ll watch a small part of a movie each night, and other times they’ll just continue watching what they were watching with Jack. When I come out, the party’s over, and Ruby always rides on Daddy’s shoulders to bed. I follow behind with Jack, and Elliot jumps in his bed to read with Daddy.

7. Jack to Bed (8:00 p.m.)

After I tuck Ruby and Jack into Ruby’s bed, we read Jack a bedtime story. Ruby is so in love with her little brother and thinks everything he does is adorable. She loves cuddling with him, reading to him, and giving him goodnight kisses. After story time, I get Jack’s bottle, and we pass by Daddy and Elliot reading saying goodnight. I sit in my big comfy rocking chair and snuggle Jack in his silky while giving him a bottle and singing him lullabies. I keep singing as I carry him to bed, tuck him in to his crib in our closet, shut the door, and walk away. He does so well going to sleep and as of a couple of weeks ago has finally been sleeping through the night! (He used to need a bottle in the middle of the night, but would always go right back to sleep afterwards.)

8. Older Ones to Bed (Done at 8:30 p.m.)

Ruby reads to herself while she waits for me (it only takes me about 5 minutes to put Jack down), and when I come in, she puts her book down so we can chat. Whatever time I get there, I like to stay to talk to her for at least 15 minutes. She LOVES this time of the day, and so do I! We always have these really deep and meaningful conversations that just can’t happen at any other time of the day. We talk about life, what she’s struggling with, what she’s excited about, how our family is doing, what everybody is working on, future plans and dreams that we have, and so on. When our time is up, she reads to herself until she is tired (anywhere from 10-30 minutes), turns off her light, and goes to sleep.

Scott and Elliot start their time together with Elliot reading out loud. He loves reading books like Amulet, Pilot and Huxley, Press Start, Magic Treehouse, and the monster books him and I have made together. After reading, they play a video game on Daddy’s phone or watch some funny videos. Then they chat briefly about random topics (anywhere from why people in fail videos do such stupid things, how to be a programmer, or why people have jobs) and say goodnight. Sometimes Elliot will read to himself for 5-10 minutes, but usually he just wants to turn his lights off and go to bed.

9. Time for Mom and Dad (8:30 – 10:00 p.m.)

Now that Jack goes to bed on the same timeline as the others and sleeps through the night, we are thrilled to get some time to hang out together every night! On many occasions, someone will get out of bed, need an extra cup of water, have to go to the bathroom, have trouble sleeping, or any number of things, so we are flexible knowing that some nights we might get a lot of time to hang out and sometimes we might not get very much.

Depending on the day we’ve had we might want to just sit and talk, watch a movie, play a video game, or get some work done. During the week, we try to make sure we are in bed by 9:30-10:00 p.m. We may push it a bit later on the weekends if we know we can sleep in. (*On the weekends, the kids can wake up, get their ipads or turn on the TV and have choice time as long as they leave us alone!)

**Once day light savings hits, we will pull the bedtime routine back by about half an hour to get everyone to bed before 8:00 p.m. so we can make sure we get enough time to hang out and go to bed by 9:30 p.m. We wake up at 5:45 a.m. and wake up the kids at 6:45 a.m., and this extra sleep in the cold winter months is crucial to avoiding sickness!

In Conclusion

Having a consistent bedtime routine takes the stress out of putting the kids to bed. Every night we know what to expect, they know what to expect, and it runs like clockwork. If someone throws a fit or has some sort of meltdown, we use distraction, humor, and whatever other tricks necessary to get to the next step of the sequence and everything continues to run smoothly. Our bedtime routine isn’t just about getting our kids to go to sleep, it’s about meeting everyone’s basic needs, enjoying time as a family, and spending quality time with each child. This is what works for us and helps us to not only get through our bedtime routine but ENJOY it as well!

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How to Keep Your Child’s Bedroom Clean

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How to Keep Your Child's Bedroom Clean

As soon as a child is old enough to have his or her own room, the battle begins to keep it clean. After raising five children and finally finding a happy balance between clean rooms and happy children, I thought I would share what has worked for us. Keep in mind, we have young children (1, 3, 4, 7, and 8), and I am a stay at home mom who loves to organize and keep things clean!

My Philosophy on Cleaning with Children

I want to raise children who can someday take care of their own house and keep it organized and clean. I know that I only get them for a short time in their lives, and it is up to me to help them get to a point where they will be intrinsically motivated to continue with the lessons I have taught them.

I know that by having my young children clean or help me with chores, they will not do it to my standards, but the point isn’t just to have a clean house, it’s to teach them how to clean.

Maybe when they’re older, they will start to do things to my standard, but I think that as parents, a perfect cleaning job is far less important than a child who knows how to do every chore in the house in their own way. With this in mind, I guide them through the process and offer plenty of praise and support along the way. I know that they won’t need this scaffolding forever and will someday take off in ways I couldn’t even imagine.

Julian's Room (3)

Julian’s Room (3)

 

Ophelia's Room (4)

Ophelia’s Room (4)

What Doesn’t Work

It can be very frustrating to see your child’s messy room, ask him or her to clean it, and get no results. These are some common recommendations that I believe to be very ineffective.

  • Set a time limit, and if the room isn’t clean by that time, go in with a big black trash bag, put everything on the floor in the trash bag, then donate the contents to a thrift store.
  • Take away privileges like screen time or attending a special event if the room isn’t clean.
  • Keep all toys belonging to your child in his or her room without a place for toys in any other rooms in the house.
  • Leave the child in the room, shut the door, and don’t let him or her come out until the room is clean.

The ultimate lesson my husband and I have learned as parents when it comes to guiding children towards positive behaviors is that if you have to do the same punishment over and over again, then it is not working. Maybe you really do need to go into that room with a trash bag because you’ve allowed it to become filled with too much junk, but don’t rely on yelling, threats, and severe consequences to get your child to clean his or her room until you have first tried some of the following positive suggestions first.

What Works

While raising our five children, we have tried a multitude of strategies for getting them to chip in with chores, pick up after themselves, and keep their rooms clean. The most important thing we have learned about cleaning is that the ultimate goal isn’t for a perfect cleaning job with no effort on our part, but rather for our children to learn about the process along the way.

Below is a video tour of our children’s bedrooms along with some commentary from them about how their rooms are organized.

Here are some tips that have worked for us:

  • Make sure everything in the room has a home. I like to put things that are alike together in one spot and store them using baskets, bins, etc. I don’t typically label these containers, however, because I like to leave room for the contents to change based on what each child is into at the time. If the floor is littered with toys and there’s a question as to where they go, you (with the help of your child) should find them a home. Decide where the stuffed animals should go and how they should be arranged, have a place for books, and make sure every little toy, marker, basket, and structure has a place where it is supposed to belong. I cannot tell you how helpful this is!
  • Reorganize the bedroom to suit the needs of your child. Based on the furniture we have and the needs of each child, I really enjoy rearranging each room so it can maintain the best function for the space. Our oldest daughter Ruby, for example, really enjoys art so she has a desk for drawing and a space for all of her art supplies. Sometimes, a room just needs a little tweak here and there and some other times it needs a major overhaul. I like doing the major overhauls alone because kids are sometimes sad to see things change, but they always love seeing their “new room” when it’s done.
  • Only keep certain toys in your child’s room. In the video I shared earlier in this blog, you will notice that there are several places throughout our house where we keep children’s toys. I like to encourage everyone to play together as much as possible in central locations so I can hear what they’re up to while I’m doing other things, but children always love opportunities to play alone too! Having special toys in their room where they can get away from the hustle and bustle is a very important thing.
  • Keep it clean starting young. Children get used to having a clean and organized room (and house) and will enjoy playing in it more when they can find things. With my little ones (currently 3 and 4), I do all of the cleaning and organizing myself. If we are in the room together when I want to clean, I do sometimes get their help, but what typically happens is they get distracted playing, and then I slowly sneak away to do something else. 🙂
  • Be specific about what needs to be cleaned and give feedback. If I want my children to clean their rooms (usually when the whole family is working on chores) I don’t simply say, “Clean your room!” because this could mean like 12 different things. Instead, I break down each of the tasks that need to be done and have them report back to me after each task. To get it started, I’ll say something like, “I want you to pick up/clean/organize _________. ” Then I give them some time to do it, follow up by checking in to see how things are going, and finally helping where needed. Here are some examples of specific tasks children can do while cleaning their rooms. 
  • Put all of the clothes on the floor in the laundry bin.
    • Pick up all of the toys on the floor and put them in toy basket(s).
    • Neatly stack up all of the books and make a pile of the ones you don’t want to read right now.
    • Find all pieces of trash and put them in the trashcan.
    • Make your bed.
    • Pick up all of the stuffed animals and put them neatly where they belong.
    • Organize your toys in a way that you want to play with them.
  • Clean rooms when they are not around. This is probably the most controversial thing I will say, but it works really really well. After the big kids leave for school, I go in and tidy up their rooms. I make their beds, I put all toys where they belong, I straighten books, and I remove anything from the rooms that should be in the common area. If I want to tidy up their rooms when they are home, I will either get them to help me or I will do it when they are busy playing somewhere else. I never clean their rooms while they are lying on their beds doing nothing! I also like to tidy up the house and make sure everything is clean before we go to bed. If a child’s room is trashed or really messy, then whoever made the mess will help to clean it up, but if it’s just a bit of cleaning, I like to do it myself.
  • Work together for big messes and reorganization. If rooms are getting REALLY messy, I don’t view this as the problem of the child but rather a problem with the system. A really messy room may mean that there are too many toys or other certain items in the room or that there needs to be a better system of organization. This is when I get the big kids to help me out. We talk about what is causing the most clutter and together figure out a way to keep it clean.
    • Recently in Ruby’s room for example, I noticed big piles of random drawing utensils, so we worked together to get several small cups and put pencils in one, markers in another, pens in another, etc. She also accumulates large stacks of books because she likes to read so much, so together we will sort through the ones she’s not reading anymore and put them in one of the family bookshelves.
Ruby's Room (8)

Ruby’s Room (8)

In Conclusion

Learning how to keep a room clean requires many skills. As parents, it is our job to guide children as they learn these skills each step of the way. When we keep in mind that the goal isn’t a perfectly clean room, but children who are learning how to sort and organize things, how to appreciate cleanliness, and how to apply the skills we have taught them in their own way, then we can heave a big sigh of relief knowing that what we are really after is the process of cleanliness not the destination of a perfectly clean room.

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Why We Don’t Make Our Little Kids Pick Up After Themselves

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Embracing Motherhood Why We Don't Make Our Little Kids Pick Up After Themselves

First of all, let me clarify something. I’m not saying that I’ll never have my kids pick up after themselves, I’m not saying that I’m not currently teaching my children strategies for picking up after themselves, and I’m not saying that I’ll never teach them how to do chores. What I’m saying is that while our kids are little (all four are five and under), there are far more important things for us to focus on than whether or not they are picking up their messes.

I chose this picture of Ruby helping to fill the cat food as my featured image because it represents what I feel is a hallmark of success. She chose to do this on her own without any prompting or teaching from me. Lately, she has shown a desire to pitch in and help me out, and it completely warms my heart to find her “babysitting” Julian, getting a laundry hamper for her room, filling it, and then wanting to help me do the laundry, organizing the ponies in her room, and helping me pick things in the garden. This intrinsic motivation is what will allow her to progress farther than any preconceived notions I may have about where she should be or what she should do.

Why We Don’t Make Our Kids Pick Up

  • The time we interact with our children is valuable. When I think about the amount of time that our children are engaged in independent creative play, working on their basic needs (eating, going to the bathroom, getting dressed, etc.), and of course lots and lots of cuddle time, it doesn’t leave a lot of time for “instruction”. Their attention spans give me these small windows of time to work on the things that I really value and consider important. If I spent these rare teachable moments instructing my children on how to pick things up, I do not feel that it would not be as valuable as teaching things like number sense, the alphabet, reading, writing, and bigger concepts about the world based on their interests.
  • It would take them a long time to clean up, and it wouldn’t be up to my standards. Whenever I teach my children anything, I use the gradual release of responsibility model, meaning that I first model how to do something, then they do it with me, and finally I have them do it together or on their own. So basically, I would be spending hours upon hours of precious time teaching my children where all of the toys go, how they are sorted, how the arrangements continuously change, and how to adapt to this change. The very idea is not only insulting to my intelligence, but theirs as well.
  • I would have to hold them accountable. Whenever I teach my children a rule such as “Clean up your toys after you use them”, I can’t just mean “Clean up your toys only when I’m there to see it”, I have to mean “Clean up your toys all the time”. So I would have to follow them around from room to room ensuring that they indeed cleaned up every mess that they made. Frankly, the very idea of this is wearing me out!
  • I would rather that my children spend their time engaged in imaginative play. I remember when I was a little girl and my brother and I would take out all of the canned food and pots and pans from the kitchen, then take off all of the couch cushions, and finally use everything to make a little store. We would carefully set up all of the food and pans and take turns being the store owner and the customer, then we would play for hours! I also remember taking off all of the books from the bookshelf and playing library. I never once remember being expected to clean up any of these “messes”. (I say messes in quotes, because they weren’t messes to us, they were intricate worlds we created that we became immersed in.) Knowing that I would have had to put everything back “just as I found it” would have been so overwhelming and stifling that I probably wouldn’t have wanted to take out all of those items in the first place. Children need creative and imaginative play. Research has actually shown that their games of pretend have numerous cognitive benefits. Basically, it’s how children learn about and make sense of their world.
  • I would rather spend my time on more important things. Instead of following my children around while they are engaged in imaginative play to make sure that they are picking up after themselves, I would rather use this valuable time to prepare healthy homemade meals, clean up the kitchen, organize things in the background, set up new play and learning stations, prepare materials for guided instruction, or maybe even blog a little. Then, when I do engage with them, I will use my voice to speak to them about things that really matter to me. I will share my passions for learning, creativity, and writing, I will listen to what they are interested in and do my best to take their thoughts to the next level with my knowledge of the world and Socratic questioning (open ended questions that promote critical thinking), I will get down on the floor and play with them, and I will sit them on my lap and teach them about the world through a love of books.

Setting Up an Environment That’s Easy to Clean

  • Don’t cluster too many toys together, like in a playroom. Recently, we had a bedroom open up because our two older kids wanted to share a room, and so I turned it into a playroom. It was fun at first, but it was a concentration of too many toys that were always scattered on the floor. Not only that, but when the kids were playing up there, they were far away from me as I tried to get a few things done around the house. I prefer to spread small concentrations of toys around the house, and I’ve found that they are actually engaged for longer amounts of time and in deeper play when there are fewer toys available. Read more about how I set up this environment in my blogs: How to Create an Environment That Encourages Creative and Imaginative Play and Having a Clean House with Four Young Children…Is it Possible? 
  • Only keep out the toys that get played with. If there are toys out that don’t get played with, I put them away. If I keep them hidden for awhile, bring them out (I like to rotate my toys anyways), and they still don’t get played with, then I’ll get rid of them.
  • Get toys that encourage extended creative and imaginative play. I know that some people go so far as to say “no toys with batteries” or “only wooden toys”, and I don’t go that far, but close. My criteria is that if the toys we have engage my children for extended periods of time in creative and imaginative play, then they are worth keeping. It is also worth it for me to spend ten minutes cleaning up toys that engaged them for hours, but it is not worth it for me to spend twenty minutes cleaning up toys that only engaged them for five minutes.

How to Teach Kids About Chores

  • I involve my children in the jobs I am doing, and I make it fun. When I am cooking, the kids love helping me crack the eggs, stir the batter, and of course taste the batter! Not only are they learning about what it means to help, but they are learning valuable cooking skills that will aid them in the future. I encourage them to help me with whatever I am doing, but I don’t force it. Over time, the kids have enjoyed helping me put laundry into the washing machine, rinse dishes (but mostly play with the bubbles in the sink), pick vegetables from the garden, put dirty clothes in the hamper, empty their potties, and many other small jobs that someday they will be able to do on their own.
  • The kids like helping Daddy too. When Daddy is doing little projects around the house, the kids love following him around and “helping him”. They will hold nails or screws for him, try hammering things, stand on boards to hold them straight, sit on his lap on the riding lawnmower, unscrew and fix computers with him, and many other small jobs.
  • It’s a gradual release of responsibility that lasts for years. I think the toughest thing for kids is when we expect the whole from them when we haven’t taught them the parts. So when parents say “Clean your room!”, what does that even mean? The children might not know how to fold their clothes, how to hang them up, where to put their toys, where to put their books, how to make their beds, and so on. And you can’t just teach all of these things at once. It has to happen layer upon layer in a gradual way over many many years.
  • Using backwards design as a template. When I think about chores with the end in mind, I wonder, “What do I want my children to know, understand, and be able to do by the time they are adults?” Well, I want them to know how to crack an egg, how to shake a rug, how to angle the broom to get under the cupboards, how to fold clothes so you can see the top of the shirt, how to do laundry economically, how to use different brushes to clean different dishes, how to change a vacuum bag, and so many other little things. I want them to understand the value of a clean home and how we take pride in the things that we have by keeping them clean and in working order. And finally, I want them to be able to do all of these things when they are grown and on their own; this includes my daughters and my sons (You’re welcome future spouses!).

Tips and Tricks

  • If you take something out, play with it. I will lay down the law if I see my kids pick up toy after toy and discard them about the room without even playing with them. That is not okay with me.
  • Don’t throw things inside. We really only had to make this rule for our son Elliot because he would throw things that would and could hurt people, but it was also a really quick way for him to make a tremendous mess. We tell him he can throw things outside as much as he wants.
  • Put caps back on markers. Since my kids are capable of it, I expect that they will put the caps back on the markers after they are done using them. Before I expected them to do this independently, I first modeled how to do it and showed them how to make sure the caps clicked on so that they were securely fastened and how different caps fit different markers. I also explained what would happen if we didn’t put the caps on the markers, and how we couldn’t afford to keep buying new markers all the time. Before I expected them to do this independently, I worked with them side by side to make sure they were doing this right. (I give you this detailed example to show the depth of teaching that I put into all of the parts that will one day lead to the whole of me saying, “Clean up this mess!”)
  • Clean when the kids aren’t looking. If you try to clean in the same room as the kids are playing in, it’s a futile attempt because they’re just going to keep making a mess, and you’re going to get frustrated. That’s not to say that you can’t tidy up a bit when they’re distracted, but I’ve found it’s easier to just wait until they’ve moved on to another project in another room. Also, I don’t think it’s good for kids to have to think too much about the cleaning I have to do. I don’t want to thwart their creativity by constantly reminding them that I’m the one who’s got to clean up all of their messes, and I don’t want them to feel entitled to having me clean it up. I just want it to be clean without them even thinking about it. I’m like a magic little elf who works behind the scenes!
  • What to do if kids get defiant about helping pick up occasionally. From time to time, you’ll need your kids to help you pick up (or do any other number of chores), and if they flat out refuse to help you on the rare occasion that you ask for help, then you’ve got bigger issues on your hands, and I recommend you reading my blog: Guiding Children Towards Positive Behaviors for some tips on how to nip that attitude in the bud with positive parenting.

How Kids Learn

Kids learn by observation and immersion. We shouldn’t have to tell our children (constantly, that is) to say please and thank you, they should hear us modeling it all the time (if this is something we choose to model) and it should become second nature to them. I remember when Ophelia was just learning how to talk and kept saying “I know!” over and over again. We were like, “Where did that come from?” but then when we were out walking one day having a great conversation and saying, “I know!” back and forth to each other, it finally dawned on us.

If we value having a clean home, if we model what it means to take the time to organize and clean our living space, if we involve them in the process along the way, and if we gradually release them to be able to do these jobs independently, then it won’t be something that they need to be constantly reminded about, cleanliness will be second nature to them. It will be so ingrained in their very fiber that they will crave it, and they will find a way to make it work without even thinking about it.

Future plans

People often ask me what we’ll do with our children when they’re older, or they’ll make me promise to them that I’ll do such and such when they are teenagers, and all I can say is that it is an ongoing work in progress, and there is no way that I can look into the future right now and know exactly what I’ll be doing or how I’ll be doing it. The way that my husband and I parent is by keeping the big picture in mind while focusing on the details at hand. We know that we want to raise well mannered caring children who have confidence, creativity, passion, and skills that will help them succeed at whatever they choose to do. We want them to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved, not just by our words, but through our actions as well. We know that when they are teenagers, we will have long chats with each other into the night about their well-being, growth, progress, and goals – just as we do now.

Right now, when we look at the details and the big picture, we see that there are more important things to focus our energies on than having our children pick up every single “mess” (or remnants of creativity left behind) that they make. As they get older and are capable of more, this may change, but for right now, this is what works for our family.

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Why We Don’t Make Our Kids Share

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Why We Don't Make Our Kids Share

In our family, I guess you could say that we have a “policy” that if someone is playing with something, it’s not okay to take it away. Basically, we do not make our kids share just because someone else wants what they are playing with. I never really thought about this as being our policy, however, until I read this article and I realized that yeah, this is kind of a policy with us. And with our four children, it has worked really really well. But when we’re out and about, the real question is: How can we enforce this in public…with other children whom we do not control?

A Bit More About Our Sharing Policy

Even though I’m the one with a teaching certificate, a Master’s degree, and seven years of teaching under my belt, my husband is the one who comes up with some of the best one liners that shape our family’s “Mission Statement” if you will. Our kids repeat, “Treat others how you want to be treated; An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind; Don’t tell me what I can’t do, tell me what I can do”, and other phrases that help them to figure out how to navigate their own way in this world. I love it! So even though we came to these policies together, he’s the one who comes up with all of the cool phrases that the kids repeat, like “It’s not okay to take something away!”

Our sharing policy pretty much follows these guidelines:

  • It’s not okay to take something away. If someone is playing with something, it is not okay to come up and take it away. Let’s say that we see Elliot take a toy away from Ophelia. If so, we will intervene and give Ophelia the toy back while reciting our policy, “That’s not okay to take away so-and-so’s toy while they are playing with it”.
  • Make a trade or wait your turn. Now that Elliot has given Ophelia her toy back, he has two options: He can wait for Ophelia to be done with the toy, or he can make a trade. This part of our policy is really cool, and the children love it. So basically, Elliot can find a toy to entice Ophelia with, and if Ophelia drops her current toy to play with the toy Elliot has offered, then Elliot can now play with Ophelia’s toy. (This is provided that Ophelia is truly happy once the trade has