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How Organizing My Home and Life is Helping Me to Overcome Anxiety

I’m not going to lie, the last two years have been rough. Yes, there have been some amazing and beautiful moments, but there was a darkness festering and growing in our lives that almost consumed me. Anxiety and panic attacks stripped me of my joy and left me in a world of helplessness and fear. It’s too soon for me to share all of the reasons that led me to that dark place for fear of being sucked back in, but I am overjoyed beyond measure to have found a way out.

I will say that one of the main reasons for my anxiety and panic attacks was feeling like my life was out of my control. Having five young children is no easy task by any means, and I felt pulled in too many directions. There was an emptiness and a sadness in me from being spread too thin. My husband felt it too, and we tried to fill that emptiness with the wrong things…things that pulled us in opposite directions.

About a year ago, we decided to stop seeking happiness outside of the home and away from each other and instead focus within. We started staying home more, and spent insane amounts of quality time together. My husband and I got to know each other all over again, and our love grew deeper than I ever thought possible. I also got to know myself down to my very core.

But there was still something missing. I kept feeling like I needed something just for me. I thought that if I created more, blogged more, finally finished my reading program, or even got a part time job, I would feel more fulfilled. As I dabbled in those things, I did not feel a sense of peace, however, and it actually brought more stress as the rest of my life piled up and made me feel out of control again.

I started reading Above Rubies again and am always inspired by the stories of mothers dedicated completely to their families and who find total joy in the gift of motherhood. I decided to REALLY dedicate myself to motherhood. I decided to organize and clean every nook and cranny of our home, to plan and think about the structure of our day, to spend quality time each day with every child snuggled, cuddled, talking, laughing, and playing, to meal prep like a boss, to research and plan for the best diet for my husband and I to finally lose weight (keto and intermittent fasting), and to be firm with the children about my expectations.

Sorting and Organizing All of the Toys in Our House

Little by little, I could feel my power coming back. As our home became more organized and clean, I felt more in control. I knew where everything was, I could find anything at a moment’s notice, and I knew in the back of my mind what things we needed so I could plan the most cost effective ways to get them.

Organizing All of the Books in Our House

Things aren’t perfect (Are they ever?), but what’s amazing and completely heavenly is that I know we are on the right path. My husband and I notice that when we are on the right path, little coincidences arise that let us know we are making the right choices. That has been happening a lot lately!

Kids Helping Me Juice Ginger, Tumeric, Cilantro, Lemons, and Limes for My Special Water

The more organized I am, the more I can be proactive rather than reactive. Having a schedule for the day, having food prepared before they are starving, being clear about expectations, having them help me out with whatever I am doing, and following through with consequences when needed are all things that are helping me to feel like I am in control.

Here’s a tour of the inside of our home. Everything is clean and organized and there are plenty of things for the kids to do at a moments notice that keep them busy and independent.

Here is a tour of our backyard. It’s a lot of work to take care of the mowing, weed whacking, yard maintenance, organization, and cleaning, but my husband and I love working on projects outside in the summer. We also love that this backyard keeps the kids so busy and entertained that we don’t feel like we constantly need to leave the house to have fun.

I can’t say for sure if my anxiety and panic attacks are gone for good, but I haven’t had to take any medication in awhile (just some valerian root which is an AMAZING natural non addictive anti-anxiety remedy), and I feel like I am on the right path. I know that I still have some healing to do, and I can’t wait for the future when I will finally have time to blog more, finish my reading program, explore organic chemistry, human physiology, and all of the things to satiate my curiosities and desires. But for now, I am happy to just bask in this stage of my motherhood journey, enjoy each and every day, live in the moments, and continue to be the master of my home and in control of my life.

August 3, 2018/2 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

I Need to Take a Break

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

If you’ve seen my pictures on FaceBook, you’ll know that our family just had an incredible vacation at Wolf Creek Lodge. While it’s true that we had a great time and really bonded as a family, the bottom line is that it left me feeling physically and emotionally drained.

Ruby and Elliot are so sweet and independent…ready to take on the world with us as their guides. But Ophelia and Julian are still a bit timid and afraid, needing us to hold their hands a bit more. Going out into the world on this vacation was really fun for the older kids, but it was completely overwhelming for the little ones…and for me.

Cuddling with Julian (15 Months)

Being so close in age, Ophelia and Julian seem to constantly need me and compete for my attention. Being on vacation just exacerbated their needs, and now they are even more fragile and seem to need me even more than before we left!

Cuddling with Ophelia

The bottom line is that I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I need a break. And so I’m taking one!

As much as I enjoy Embracing Motherhood and as much as it fulfills me and gives me joy to create and share the things I am learning and creating, being there for my family gives me EVEN MORE joy! And so I am going to take a break from blogging. I am going to take a break from FaceBook, Instagram, Google Plus, and Twitter. I am going to unplug from these things so that I can focus on the most important aspect of my life. My family.

I will still be working on my flashcards and videos because they are a part of my daily homeschool routines, but I will not be blogging about them until my hiatus is complete.

Thank you in advance for understanding!

February 21, 2016/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

It’s Time to Stop the Mommy Wars!

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

After watching this viral video about the Mother ‘Hood, it really made me think about the way that we judge each other without sharing our stories face to face.

In the same way that we can experience extreme road rage simply because we are not looking at the people who have enraged us, it can be easy to judge each other based on stereotypes until we have actually met each other and shared our stories. It is these biased judgments that fuel the mommy wars, and they need to stop.

I would love to be part of a world where these mommy wars don’t exist, and so I am trying to do everything in my power make myself a part of the solution instead of contributing to the problem.

If we could all focus on lifting each other up instead of putting each other down and loving and accepting each other even though we may be different, we could really break down some of the barriers that are preventing us from living in a more harmonious way.

Here are nine things that I think will really help to end all mommy wars. (And honestly, many of these tips are great for breaking down barriers between all people, not just mothers.)

1. Don’t Be a Bully

I don’t think that bullies always realize that they are bullies. When I was an elementary school teacher, I would talk to my students about bullies, and I would tell them that I felt sorry for them because they are usually people who feel insecure, alone, and scared. I would explain that even though bullies are hurting however, it didn’t make it okay for them to hurt others.

Bullies don’t just happen in the world of children, they happen in the world of adults too. Have you ever seen or experienced bully behavior in your mommy world? Or even worse, have you exhibited bully behavior yourself? Have you ever judged someone for doing something different than you and made a sarcastic remark about it? That’s what bullies do. Have you ever ignored a new mom at playgroup because you were too scared about fitting in yourself? You were being a bully. Have you ever rolled your eyes at the mother whose child was having a tantrum at the grocery store instead of offering her a reassuring glance? That’s bully behavior.

We need to stop bully behavior, and we need to stop supporting others when they exhibit it. Bullies can do a lot more damage when they have followers. Weak people often follow bullies because they don’t want to be bullied themselves. Moms who are scared and alone may saddle up to the strongest voice, looking for protection, looking for acceptance, looking for direction, but it is never worth it if it hurts someone else. Bullies are the ones leading these mommy wars, and their bully behavior needs to stop.

2. Motherhood Unites Us

Regardless of whether we are married or single, had a natural birth at home or a c-section at a hospital, breast feed or bottle feed, co-sleep or crib sleep, cry it out or nurse to sleep, feed our children organic food or processed food, or any other number of differences, we are all first and foremost mommies, and that is what’s most important.

We all created and carried a tiny human, and we all felt it kick and move inside of us for months and months as we struggled with questions, insecurities, and self doubt. “Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do? Will I make the right decisions?” We all melted into a puddle of goo when we first smelled our newborn’s scent, and we bonded. We each bonded in our own ways, but we bonded with our tiny little humans nonetheless. We were changed forever. We became mothers.

We need to remember what unites us when we meet each other at the park, see each other at the grocery store, let our kids play together at play group, and join in discussions on online groups. We need to remember that even though we may make different decisions based on our upbringings, personalities, situations, influences, and resources, we are all still connected and we can all still support each other. When we are united, there is no room for mommy wars.

3. Be a Good Mom Friend

We have the potential to have many mommy acquaintances through playgroups, online groups, social functions, and the like, and if we’re lucky, we’ll also have a few good mommy friends. I have been fortunate enough to have a collection of wonderful mommy friends that extend far beyond my small town city limits. With so many small ones underfoot, I don’t get out much, but thanks to the advancements in technology, I am connected to them nonetheless.

The mommies that lift me up, that make me feel better about myself, that make me feel like I can do anything – these are the ones that I keep close to my tender mommy heart. The mommies who question me, put me down, make sarcastic comments, scoff at my choices, try to tell me how their way is better, and only talk about themselves – these are the ones that I don’t let in.

Your good mommy friends will help you to be a better mommy. They will lift you up, support you, help you to see things that you might not have seen otherwise, offer a new perspective, are excited for you, want to learn and grow with you, and most importantly, they know what it’s like to be a mommy and they share their mommy heart with you. When we can be a good mommy friend, we are building bridges that connect our souls and we are breaking down the barriers that lead to mommy wars.

4. What’s Right for You Isn’t Right for Everyone

Even if you’ve done all of the research and you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt the best food to feed your children, the best way to teach them, the best way to give birth, and the best car seat, you cannot assume that this is the BEST way, this is just the way that works best for you.

I get so excited every time I learn something new, and the main reason why I wanted to write this blog was to record and share what I’m learning, but I have to be really really careful that my voice doesn’t come across as “I know what’s best for everyone”. I know that every mom is on her own journey and will choose what works best for her based on her experiences, personalitiy, resources, and so on. This blog is about what’s best for ME based on MY research, MY personality, MY needs, and what makes ME happy. Maybe, just maybe, some of the things will resonate with you, or make you think about what works for you, or motivate you to do your own research, or just comfort you to know that there is someone out there looking for answers…just like you.

What’s important is that we all have the right to choose. Sadly, some of these rights are being threatened because while individuals are smart, society is perceived as stupid, and therefore, the government tries to tell us what to eat, how to sleep, how to give birth, how to medicate, and so on in sweeping “one size fits all” generalizations. I encourage you to seek out your own answers, to do what works for you, and to try not to impose what you have learned onto others. If we can treat others how we want to be treated, we can put a stop to the judgments that have led to these mommy wars.

5. Don’t Compare Yourself to Other Moms

Whenever I scroll through Pinterest and see a mom doing a bunch of crafts with her toddler that I just don’t have the time for, or I see a blog post from someone I’m following who is cooking something I just haven’t mastered yet, or I see images of moms one step ahead of me on Facebook, my first reaction is to compare myself to those moms. I don’t mean to, but it’s like my brain is saying, “You should be doing that! Why aren’t you doing that?” And then the feelings of guilt start to bubble up.

I start to justify why I’m not like the other moms (who all have it together way better than me, obviously), why I’m not doing what they are doing, how what I’m doing is more important, and then it’s like a switch where I’ve gone from guilty to angry. “Why are they doing that? I would never prioritize that! What I’m doing is better! ” And just like that, my feeling of guilt have transformed into feelings of loathing for the other mom.

Isn’t that horrible? Have you ever felt yourself headed down that path? I am trying to make it my new mission to not get swept away comparing myself to other moms. If I see them doing something that I would also like to try, I tuck that idea in the back of my mind to save for later, and if they’re doing something that I’m just not ready for, then I am training myself to say, “Good for them! I am glad that they are doing what makes them happy!” If we can all support each other even when we are in different stages of motherhood, I think it will most definitely help to end these mommy wars.

6. Stop Trying to Portray Perfection

We all want to share the good in our life, to post our proudest moments to Facebook and Instagram, and to show the world that we do, in fact, know what we are doing. But sometimes, we can work so hard on trying to prove that we’re doing good, that we even fool ourselves into believing this caricature of perfection. Our lives as mothers aren’t always full of perfect Pinterest posts. Yes, we all have our shining moments, but most of the time we’re elbows deep in poop, puke, and pee simply trying to remember what day it is.

I think it’s good to share the good and the bad, and to know that the bad isn’t really bad, it’s just real. I’m not saying that we need to sit around and complain about how tough motherhood is or post pictures of all of our failures, but we need to be able to get real with each other. We need to be able to share with those who we are close to what it’s really like, what we’re struggling with, what’s perplexing us, and what we’re trying to do about it.

If we all do this, if we can all share what it’s really like, then it won’t seem like we’re the only ones who are actually struggling. If we can all get real, it will create a culture that welcomes honesty, introspection, and meaningful relationships. This is the kind of culture where mommy wars don’t exist.

7. Avoid Being a Copycat Mom

I have always been fascinated when I see two or more girls in a group that are all wearing similar outfits. It’s like, did they all call each other before heading out and say, “Today we’re going to wear leggings, baggy v-necked t-shirts, and open toed shoes”? I see this so often that I’ve joked with my husband about wanting to create a coffee table book where I document all of the “twins” that I see.

We all have a desire to fit in, to be accepted, and to belong, and when we’re in a group where there is common ground, an agreed upon set of “rules”, it creates a sense of security. There’s nothing wrong with belonging to various groups, but if we start looking to the group to answer our questions instead of first looking within, it could be a problem. I mean, maybe you love wearing leggings, but maybe you don’t. What if everyone in your group was wearing leggings and you showed up with jeans? You would feel like an outsider, you would feel like everyone was looking at you, and you would question yourself.

As mothers, we may associate with a home birth crowd, a baby wearing group, or a working moms clique who all share similar characteristics. When we’re in these groups, there seem to be these unwritten rules about what all of the moms do and believe in. If you’re a natural mom, you should have a home birth, use cloth diapers, eat only organic food, co-sleep, wear your baby, breastfeed, and homeschool. If you’re a modern mom, you should have an epidural, vaccinate your children, teach your baby to self soothe, pump stores of breast milk, get back to work, and send your child to the best preschool.

But what happens when we pick and choose what works for us rather than adhering to the guidelines of a certain group? What happens when we abandon the checklist and just follow our instincts? Is it possible to be a part of the attachment parenting online forum if you don’t sleep with your baby? Can you still subscribe to the organic moms newsletter if you let your children have McDonald’s from time to time? Will you be shunned by the working moms group if you don’t vaccinate your children?

I have really struggled with this concept because my desire to fit in is strong, but my desire to march to the beat of my own drum is stronger. I choose to do what’s best for me and my family, and as a result, I kind of feel like I don’t really fit in anywhere. Slowly but surely, however, I feel like I’m becoming a part of a really cool new community. In this community, we are bonded by the fact that we are mothers, we love being mothers, we love doing what’s best for our children, and we support each other. It is truly liberating, and it is a mindset that will not allow for the behavior that leads to mommy wars.

8. Don’t Take Everything Personally

Did someone just post a Facebook comment that you KNOW what was meant for you, share a personal story that you’re POSITIVE was meant to teach you a lesson, or explain what they’ve tried when they were in your situation as a way to show YOU that YOU don’t know how to be a mom?

I think that sometimes we can get so lost in our own little worlds, and so absorbed with ourselves, that it seems like everyone else must be too. But the reality, is that everyone is living their own lives, struggling with their own daily battles, focused on their own goals and tribulations, and they really, honestly, don’t care about you as much as you think they do. (This concept is discussed in more depth in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements, and I highly recommend you read it!)

I know that we can’t control our interactions with strangers, but with the people that are in our lives (who are hopefully in our lives for a good reason), we should give them the benefit of the doubt. When they say something that taps into one of our insecurities and it hurts, we can’t assume that they were trying to hurt us on purpose. If we can assume that everyone loves us and has our best interests in mind, it will reduce our stress levels and put us in a much more positive place.

Then, if time and time again, it becomes clear that a person in our life is trying to make us feel bad, is trying to put us down, and is definitely trying to hurt us, then we have two options. We can confront them about it and/or we can cut them out of our lives for a little while. There is no reason to associate with a bully. There is no reason to keep people in our lives who make us feel bad about ourselves. But there are also miscommunications that occur, and through open and honest conversations about our feelings, we can usually get to the bottom of them. In this way, we can stop the mommy wars one friendship at a time.

9. Find Your Own Happiness

My 6 year old daughter is already such an old soul and loves discussing her life plans. She’s always talking about what kind of mother she’ll be and what career choices she’ll make. Right now, she wants to be teacher, but she also sees herself as an artist, a mathematician, a writer, a nature girl, and a scientist. I always tell her that before she gets married, she has to find her own happiness. I tell her that before she can fall in love with someone else, she has to love herself first. I tell her that in order to love herself, she has to know who she is and that she can do this by figuring out what she loves to do. I encourage her to follow her passions, I help her to see what her passions are, and I guide her towards options that will help her to learn or grow in the areas she is passionate about.

Maybe you were lucky enough to have parents or a mentor who did that for you when you were a child (I was, thanks mom and dad!), but maybe you are just starting out on this journey to find your own happiness.

What makes me happy is always changing as I change and grow. Before I got married, I moved to Colorado, snowboarded like crazy, traveled, had adventures, and followed my heart. Now that I’m married and a mother of four, I feel like the true adventure is just beginning! I find happiness researching and learning about nutrition and how it affects our bodies, trying out recipes that are delicious and meet the nutrition needs of my family, learning about the brain and how children learn, creating learning activities for my children that are in their zone of proximal development, arranging our home into stations that encourage independent learning and creative play, and of course I love writing about what I am learning!

I don’t do all of these things so that I can show off or look good, I do what makes me HAPPY and as a result, my family is too! Maybe you’re a mom who is happiest to get outside and explore, maybe you love doing crafts and posting them on Pinterest, maybe you love learning about history and being a part of historical reenactments, or maybe you love computers and learning programming. If you do what makes you happy, if you follow your passions, if you follow your heart, your family will benefit.

Don’t follow some checklist of what you think you should be doing. Follow your instincts, do what makes you happy, and don’t let anyone else intimidate you to be something you are not. Get rid of the guilt if you’re not into making your own Christmas ornaments. Let go of what society tries to make you feel you should be doing. Just listen to your heart, do what makes you happy, and never look back! When we find our own happiness, there isn’t as much room for the self doubt that leads to us judging others and fueling these mommy wars.

In Conclusion

If we can all take steps to stop bully behavior, realize we are all united through motherhood, be a good mom friend, stop comparing ourselves to other moms, know that what works for us doesn’t necessarily work for everyone, stop trying to portray perfection, avoid being a copycat mom, refrain from taking everything personally, and most importantly, find our own happiness, then I believe that we can stop these mommy wars once and for all.

If we can all embrace ourselves and our role as mothers, and if we can embrace each other, regardless of our differences and regardless of our preferences, then we can end these mommy wars, and get back to what really matters, being moms.

November 11, 2015/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

The Story of How I Became a Stay at Home Mom

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

I worked full time until my children were 6 and 18 months old, and choosing to be a stay at home mom was the best decision I ever made. I often wonder and regret why I didn’t do it sooner, but I did it nonetheless. Here’s my story.

I’ll always remember what it felt like the first day I went back to work after spending a glorious three months uninterrupted with my sweet first baby girl, Ruby. As I walked down the long hallway to my classroom, I was greeted with hugs and sympathetic sentiments.

One teacher even said,

“It’s okay to cry. I cried at first too.”

And I thought, yes I probably should cry. But oddly enough, I didn’t feel any tears. I wondered what was wrong with me that I wouldn’t be crying at the mere thought of leaving my sweet, precious, exclusively breastfed little infant in the arms of someone else.

I mean, it was my mom watching her, but still…

So, as I stood there in my classroom, all set up and ready for the students that had been waiting patiently with a substitute during the first three months of school for me to return, and I tried to see if I could cry.

But before I could get at my true feelings, I had to peel back a few layers that were covering them up.

First, I peeled back the excuse that I had to do this because we couldn’t afford to make ends meet any other way, then I scraped away the sentiments that she was in good hands with my mother, and finally I sloughed off the guilty feelings about how bored I sometimes felt being home without any adult interaction, and how hard it actually was to be a mother.

What I found buried underneath was a very fresh wound that was very sensitive to these probing thoughts.

Just poking at that wound brought back a sudden flood of memories. And as I stood there remembering what it felt like to hold her the moment after she was born, the way she was always happiest to lay inbetween us cooing early in the mornings, the sweet smell of breast milk that was always on her skin, the softness of her little fingers as they would grasp at my face, and the way her eyes would widen and how she would reach for me desperately even when she merely glanced at me from across the room…

I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breath and the tears started to flow noiselessly in a stream down my cheek.

I was just about to start heaving and sobbing when I heard the shuffle of footsteps in the hallway. As I looked at the clock, I noticed that I only had a few more minutes to pull things together before I needed to greet my students for the day.

So, I took all of those memories and all of those feelings, and I buried them deep down into the pit of my soul.

Then I packed all of my excuses back on top until the feelings of pain became but a vague memory. And I felt something grow within me that would only grow stronger as time went on. It wasn’t really a feeling of anything, but the absence of feeling. It was a numbness that allowed me to focus on the tasks in front of me while burying an instinct that I just couldn’t let out.

A teacher who saw me crying ran in for a quick hug.

“Don’t worry,” she said expertly. “It will get easier.” And she was right. It did get easier.

With each passing day, I got better at burying my true emotions, and the painful wound of our separation began to heal into a weird disfigured scar. Every time I would hear my sweet precious daughter cry as I slipped out the door to go to work in the morning or back to work after nursing her at lunch, I would pack more excuses like a salve onto my wound.

Everyone that watched her at our home during the rest of the school year would always tell me,

“She always stops crying a few minutes after you’re gone,” as if that was supposed to console me. But it did.

I knew she was in good hands and that she was being loved and cared for. My mom would even bring her into the classroom for me to nurse her during every break that I had and would even hang out for hours in the back of the room playing quietly for the first month that I was back to work. But they weren’t MY hands taking care of her, and that was a fact that gnawed at me constantly.

When the family was done caring for Ruby and she had to be put into daycare, it really was the best possible scenario. A coworker’s mother in law did day care one mile from where I was teaching, and I was able to go and breastfeed her to sleep during my lunch break every single day. But even though Ruby was happy there and well cared for, I felt like I was missing out.

I would try to linger after dropping her off just to be able to spend a little more time with her, but the pressures of work were calling me, and I had to go. She still cried every day as I left, and it never stop hurting to leave her.

At the end of the day, the eight hours we were apart were summarized in a few sentences.

As I got a report of what she ate, whether or not she pooped, and any other milestones she accomplished, my mind was really only half listening because all I really wanted to do was just whisk her away so that I could be with her as much as I could for the remainder of the day. But there were always errands to run, dinner to prepare, and things to do around the house, and it just felt like there was never enough TIME.

After a tough and emotional return to work, I decided that a position utilizing my Master’s degree in Language Acquisition at another school would allow me more flexibility and freedom to be a better working mother. In my new job as ESL Instructional Coach the following year, I found that it was definitely a better blend of my two worlds.

But little did I know that even as I was interviewing for this new job, I was pregnant with our second child, and he was about to change everything.

Elliot was born peacefully in front of the fireplace of our little one bedroom condo in December, and after only four weeks of maternity leave (we couldn’t afford to have my pay docked like we had with Ruby), I went back to work. (Did you know that every other industrialized nation except for America mandates full paid maternity leave? Go figure.)

Elliot was quite different from his independent, happy-with-anyone big sister. He was born ten days overdue, but he probably would have preferred to stay in there indefinitely. Even after he had been earthside for over a day, he still didn’t want to open his eyes and preferred instead to bury himself in my bosom and nurse constantly.

If a little bit of me died having to leave Ruby behind, leaving Elliot behind almost destroyed me. He needed me so much and my only consolation was that he slept most of the day and was up with me to nurse constantly throughout the night.

I almost didn’t even want to sleep inbetween feedings because I just wanted to hold on to each moment where the two of us could be snuggled up together soaking in the feel of his skin against mine and feeling his little body rise and fall with each breath.

Just as with Ruby, we had an onslaught of family visitors who moved in with us and helped take care of Elliot during my first six weeks back at work. After that, I only had to put him in day care for three months until the end of the school year. Throughout it all, he was always really close to my work and even though he would never take a bottle, I was able to go to him and nurse him every four hours.

Right up until before he was born, I had assumed that he would be taken care of by the sweet grandmotherly lady who lovingly took care of Ruby. But due to some unforeseen hip problems, she told me that she wouldn’t be able to take care of a new baby after all. That left me scrambling at the last minute to find someone else. I thought I found the perfect place right next to the school with a busy day care mom who had room for both Ruby and Elliot. I was sad to take Ruby out of her current placement, but happy to have both of my kids together.

When I came to nurse Elliot (10 weeks old) on my first break during their first day at this new place, I noticed that Ruby (17 months) was in her high chair eating food. I thought nothing of it until I came back at lunch only to see her nodding off, still in her high chair. When I came back at the end of the day, she was STILL in her high chair.

I was very upset, and the day care mom tried desperately to console me saying that she fell asleep there and had only just woken up. I was just like, “Why didn’t you put her in bed after she fell asleep in the high chair?” but she had no response.

The next day, I knew that I couldn’t take Ruby back there again, so I called Ruby’s sweet grandmotherly caretaker in tears and asked if she could take Ruby for the remainder of the year. She graciously agreed, but reminded me again that she wouldn’t be able to take care of Elliot too. Elliot seemed to do fine with the busy day care mom because he pretty much slept all day, and I had no other options, so that was that.

I’ll always remember the African lullaby songs that I would listen to every morning as I first dropped off Ruby, then Elliot to a parking lot near his drop off home where I would nurse him. When I hear that cd to this day, it still brings tears to my eyes.

I was desperately trying to juggle having a career, being a mom, being a wife, and taking care of myself, but I never had enough to give to everyone and so it felt like I was failing in all areas of my life.

When summer break finally came, I was in total and absolute heaven! I could finally be with my sweet babies all day and all night without any interruptions. We got into a nice little routine, and I really started to feel like not only was I surviving; I was thriving!

Instead of just worrying about our basic needs, I could actually spend time each day thinking of new ways to arrange our little house for the best play and learning opportunities, I had time to cook healthy meals for everyone, I could sleep when the kids slept without worrying about a clock, and most importantly, I could nurse my 6 month old Elliot on demand. He was VERY happy about that!

When we traveled back to our Michigan stomping ground that summer, we fell in love with being a family and being surrounded by family. When we came back to our Colorado home and our third floor condo with no air conditioning in 100° F weather, it just didn’t feel right. It felt empty and lonely, and I just couldn’t imagine what it would be like trying to get through another year while working. When we looked at our finances and saw that with two kids in daycare, it was hardly worth it for my husband to work, we made a big decision to have him be a stay at home dad and take care of the kids while I continued to work.

After those wheels were set in motion, and with the start date of my next school year quickly approaching, I just woke up one day and knew I couldn’t go back. Elliot was just getting used to me being around all the time, and I couldn’t bear to be apart from him again.

It felt like my heart would most certainly break into a thousand pieces if I couldn’t continue breastfeeding him on demand.

And then there was my sweet little Ruby who was already growing up so fast! At 18 months, she knew all of her letters and numbers and she was already starting to read. I wanted to be with her during every milestone, every cuddle, every naptime, and every tear. I wanted to be there for both of them, and I wanted to ENJOY my time with them, not just get through it.

After I made the phone call resigning from my position, I felt giddy with excitement! I was so happy to have finally made the decision to be with my little ones and set up a new life as a stay at home mom, but this in itself is another journey with its own story. 🙂

While we waited on the short sale of our condo, we packed up all of our things, said goodbye to the beautiful state of Colorado, our family there, our friends, and what had been our home for the last 6 years and moved into my parent’s house in Michigan.

After a few months, Scott got a job as a computer tech in a little rural town we had never heard of. He commuted over an hour every day until we finally accepted that even though it was a little farther from family than we would have liked, it was still a heck of a lot closer than Colorado, and it was really a great job in a nice location. So, we moved there. Now, we own an amazing house on a nice piece of land that’s much much cheaper than our condo in Colorado, and with two more kids, we couldn’t be happier!

I’ll always be a little bit sad about the times that I lost with Ruby and Elliot, but it was all a part of my journey and a part of our story, and I am so proud of how far we have come and what we have become.

At first, we tried to make our kids fit into our lives, just like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. But now that we have centered every aspect of our lives around our children and me being a stay at home mom, I couldn’t imagine a simpler, happier, or more fulfilling way to spend these years.

Our babies are only babies for a short little while. Why is there so much pressure and such a hurried rush for women to “get back to work”?

Now, I totally understand that the life of a stay at home mom isn’t for everyone, and I am completely and totally fine sharing the same arena with mothers who choose to work or have no choice but to work, but

I feel like the voices that are out there cheering on the working mothers are MUCH LOUDER than the voices cheering on the stay at home mothers.

When I was struggling as a working mom, I got A LOT of encouragement from co-workers, family, friends, strangers, and the internet that what I was doing was ok, that it was hard but it would get easier, that my kids would be fine, and that I would be fine.

Only one brave soul, one of those grandmothers who become a mother again due to unfortunate circumstances, told me the truth.

“You never get those years back,”

she said to me one day. I felt offended and angry that she would suggest something that I felt at the time was impossible, but her words haunted me and were possibly the catalyst for me leaving my job to begin this wonderful career as a stay at home mom.

Comments like, “I could never do what you do.” or “Don’t you feel like you’re wasting your Master’s level education?” are sentiments that my husband and I have heard on more than one occasion. But worse than the negative comments are the absence of comments.

At times, my voice is soft, too soft perhaps, because I don’t want to offend anybody. We live in an age where everyone is fighting for women to have equal rights and equal pay, but who is fighting for the moms who want to stay home and raise their families?

We are looked at as ancient relics from our grandmother’s era, something that our progressive society has tried to do away with.

But I don’t want to be silent anymore. I want to shout from the top of a mountain (or at least blog through the channels of the Internet) that it’s okay to be a stay at home mom.

I’m not saying it’s better than being a working mom or that all moms should be stay at home moms, I’m just saying that being a stay at home mom isn’t a step down, or something we all do because we couldn’t do anything else. I see it as a privilege, an honor, and the best career move I could have ever made, and something I will never ever ever regret.

September 4, 2015/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

How I’ve Found Happiness as a Stay at Home Mom

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

Being a stay at home mom has been the hardest and most rewarding job I’ve ever had in my life. When I was a working mom for two years, going to work actually felt like a break. I had a scheduled lunch time, I was given challenging tasks and completed them, and I got to interact with other adults. As a stay at home mom, I am working (or on call) 24 hours a day, I am constantly multitasking and busy doing a thousand things at once, and I am in a sea of children. All. The. Time.

BUT, I am truly and deeply happier than I ever thought possible. Being with my children during these formative years is not only rewarding for me, it is deeply beneficial for my children too. I get to be there to see every smile and to soothe every frown, I get to nurse on demand and see first steps, I get to see what goes in and what comes out of them all day long, and I get to just BE with them. They are my favorite little people in the whole world, and words cannot express the joy that I feel upon seeing them every day in my role as a stay at home mom.

But it hasn’t always been peaches and cream. We had to really think about our lives differently in order to make everything “fit” around me being a stay at home mom. When we just had one child, we could easily cart her around and make her a part of our former lives. But when we had two, and then three, and then four, we had to let go of our old lives and start living a new normal. These 13 tips are what have helped me to battle some of the low points and find a happiness greater than anything I thought I was capable of experiencing.

Also, let me be very clear in that I am NOT saying, “Follow these 13 tips and you will find happiness!” I am saying, “These are the 13 things that have helped ME to find happiness.” I believe that we are each on our own journey and we each have to decide what things actually DO make us happy versus things that we feel like we are “supposed” to do for x number of reasons. You, dear reader, might actually be happier working, or unschooling, or living in another country…who knows! The important thing is for each of us to support each other in this wonderful journey of motherhood.

1. I Found a Way to Make It Happen

When we had our first daughter Ruby, I wanted more than anything to just keep staying with her after my 3 month maternity leave, but I just didn’t think it was possible. We were upside down in our condo, both working full time, and barely making ends meet. When I expressed my desire to stay at home with my daughter, a very well meaning grandmother (who actually adopted her daughter’s son who was in my class) said to me, “You never get that time back.” I just threw up my hands in exasperation and said, “I make twice my husband’s income, I don’t have any choice but to work.”

But I did have a choice, I just didn’t see it at the time. It took having another child, trying to juggle two different child care providers for my two children (that’s a whole other story), and spending a summer vacation at home with my two little angels (Elliot was 6 months old and Ruby was 21 months old at the time) to make it happen. I don’t know how I ever managed going back to work when Elliot was only 4 weeks old or how we managed to be apart until he was 5 months old, but after spending the summer with him attached to my boob, I couldn’t imagine him ever making it without me nearby. Not to mention that I was crazy in love with my daughter Ruby and enjoying spending every minute with her as well.

So we decided to go for broke. We made some radical decisions that led to us both quitting our jobs, doing a short sale on our condo, and moving 1,200 miles away to live with my parents for 8 months while we sorted things out. Now, flash forward four years later, and we own our own home on an acre of land with a fenced in yard minutes away from my husband’s amazing job that provides very nicely for our family of six (even though he makes about what I did when I was working). A blog that will be coming soon: How Our Family of Six Makes It On One Modest Income.

If you really want to be a stay at home mom, you can find a way to make it work. You may have to really think about your choices from an “outside of the box” perspective, but sometimes those crazy hair-brained ideas that you think will never in a million years work, well they just might be the best ideas you ever had.

2. Finding My Identity

When I chose to stay home, I was riding high on cloud nine at first, but then after the routine set in, I felt lost. I felt like I had lost a part of myself when I quit working, like I had lost my identity. Taking care of my children was an amazing honor, and I cherished every moment that I was there to cuddle them and love them, yet for so long I had worked towards my career, and it kind of felt like I had just thrown it all away. More than once, I fell into some pretty serious bouts of depression as I struggled to find my new normal.

I knew that I needed something just for me that was separate from the kids, but I couldn’t seem to find what that could be short of finding a part time (or even full time) job. But, it wasn’t about needing money, it was about finding something for me…something that I could work on, something that I was passionate about, something that would stimulate my mind, something that I could accomplish, and something that would make me feel whole.

It took many years of trial and error until I established what this blog is now (even though I still feel like I am at the beginning). I knew that I was passionate about learning new things, discovering the best health options for our family, cooking healthy food, learning about the science behind health topics, educating our children, being a mom, and writing. It just took me awhile to put all of those things together and find my voice at Embracing Motherhood.

I don’t write this blog with any intention of making money, I just do it because it completes me. I love finding time to write when all of the kids are happily playing independently or sleeping. I love having a voice and a platform to learn new things and record them. I love sharing what I’m learning with others. I love having something to talk to other adults about besides just surface level topics. This blog has helped me to find my identity and give me purpose. It is also a great bonus that everything I’m learning and writing about also benefits our family.

If you are reading this and wondering what your passions are and what your identity could be beyond being a mother (which might just be enough for you, and that’s ok too), then I encourage you to think about what it is that you enjoy doing that makes you really really happy. What do you enjoy learning about? What do you enjoy doing in your free time? What completes you? If you can find a little bit of time every day to work towards figuring out what you are truly passionate about, it can actually be the most liberating thing ever. So many times, we fill our time with what can make us money, and to be a mother and not only be able to spend time with your precious angels but to also look into the deepest regions of your soul and figure out who you are without the burden of earning an income, well, it is truly a blessing. (If you’re interested in doing a guest post on my blog, contact me!)

3. Owning It In the Kitchen!

When I read Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon, it changed my life. I realized that everything that I thought I knew about health and nutrition was wrong, and I made it my new mission to learn everything I could about Weston Price and what a healthy diet meant for our family. I’m still learning more and tweaking our diet as our health continuously improves, but this journey and this knowledge have really given me confidence in the kitchen. It really helps that Scott has been learning right beside me and is totally on board with everything I’m doing.

After I learned what our family needed to eat, I had to learn how to cook it! I’ve had fun sharing my recipes that give my family healthy nourishing meals that they enjoy eating. It seems like each child has a certain list of foods that they will or will not eat and that list is constantly changing. By planning ahead and having the fridge stocked with things like my sourdough waffles, whole wheat pancakes, steel cut oats, homemade cereal or healthy oatmeal cookies it makes the day much more manageable.

Even though we eat mostly organic foods and pastured animal products, we are still able to stick to a pretty good budget because I am always planning ahead and buying in bulk. Country Life Natural Foods is one of my favorite places to order dry goods in bulk and we live near many Amish farms where we get our raw milk and pastured eggs and grass fed beef all at reasonable prices. I also save us money by making my own laundry detergent, toothpaste, deodorant, and more!

We are also not crazy obsessed about eating the “perfect diet”. We try to eat mostly good most of the time, and we don’t worry about eating a little birthday cake or fast food every now and then. We just try to make the things that are routine pretty consistently healthy.

4. Creating a Morning Routine

The rest of the day is always different depending on what we need to do or how everyone is feeling, but our mornings are always pretty much the same. During the summer, when I have all four kids at home, we get dressed, eat breakfast, brush our teeth, and then do three activities before they are allowed any screen time. Having this routine in the morning takes the guess work out of the beginning of our day, and it allows us all to sort of run on autopilot as we wake up.

Now, that being said, there are many days (like today) where I’ve been up with 7 month Julian multiple times in the night, and all I want to do is sleep in. When the kids (Ruby – 5 and Elliot – 4) wake up, they know where their iPads are and how to turn on the TV and find their favorite shows, so I have no problem at all when they do this and let me sleep in a bit. We have have food like apples and my healthy oatmeal cookies within easy reach, and the kids will often get themselves snacks when they need them.

5. Filling Their Tanks First

Throughout the day, I take turns giving each child as much attention as I can. Sometimes they want to do something, like coloring with us sitting side by side and other times they want to tickle, wrestle, fight, and get as much physical contact as possible. Whatever it is that they need, I give it to them until their tanks are full. Once their bellies are full of food and their tanks are full of love, they are able to go off and play on their own, and THEN I get some time for me. 🙂

6. Finding Time for Me

There are little pockets of time throughout the day when I’m caught up on food preparation, cleaning, and all of the children are either playing independently or sleeping. Sometimes this happens multiple times a day for extended periods, and sometimes it happens less often and for short durations, but when that time comes, I seize it!

When I do get this time, this is what I like to do:

Take a shower
Work out (When I had one child, I would do these deep medatative yoga videos for an hour and a half, but now I do a 10 minute yoga video and an 8 minute core workout when I can.)
Work in the garden
Read
Take a nap
Eat
Blog (This is what I usually end of doing!)

7. Making It Fun…For Me!

Do you like schedules? Do like organized activities? Do you like spontaneity? Do you like playing outdoors? Do you like go to museums and learning new things? Are you a homebody? Do you enjoy gardening? Whatever it is you like to do…if you can get in touch with your deepest passions and find things to do with your children that makes your heart sing, then everyone will be happy.

There’s no such thing as the perfect routine or the perfect way to raise your children. It’s so completely important to be happy and enjoy what you do. That is what matters, and that is what your children will remember when they’re grown and on their own. They will remember the happiness, and it will comfort them and give them confidence at the same time.

8. Learning Goals for the Kids

I like to set learning goals for each of my children so that I can be aware of what their needs are. I like to keep it simple and stay in their zone of proximal development. For example, Julian, who is 7 months old, is ready to start building a relationship with reading, so we watch Your Baby Can Read videos (which sadly went out of business, so we created our own video here) and read the same books over and over. Ophelia, who is 2, is reading single words and simple sentences, so we’re doing lots of flashcards and repetitive reading of her favorite books. Elliot, who is 4, is developing his reading skills and working on math concepts, so we play a lot of online math games and spend lots of time cuddling and reading his favorite books. Ruby, who is 5, is already a voracious reader, so now we are working on her writing skills by writing lots of stories, letters, and books together. (Here are some videos of our kids reading over the years.)

When you have really little ones, it can seem like you are spending all of your time wiping butts, making food, and cuddling, but by setting aside a little time every day for learning activities, you will be so pleased with the results in the long run. You don’t need to spend six hours a day or really any set amount of time, just wait for teachable moments and do it for as long as you both are interested.

To learn more about setting learning goals and creating activities, check out my blog: How to Set Up a Summer Routine That Keeps Kids Productive.

9. Creating a Stimulating Environment

When I’ve got a crying baby in one hand, a screaming toddler in the other, and two young-ins who are looking for something to do, I’ve got to have some things ready to go at a moment’s notice. I spend a lot of time creating play and learning stations that will keep my children engaged in independent and self directed play for extended periods of time. Read more about how I do this in my blog: How to Create an Environment That Encourages Creative Play and Learning.

10. Educational Screen Time

When people see our 2 year old reading and hear that I used to be a teacher, I think that they assume that I spend hours doing elaborate lesson plans, but the reality is that while I do spend a lot of time with children on my lap reading books and such, I rely on a lot of educational screen time supplements to help me teach the basics. (To learn why we DO allow our children under 2 to have screen time, check out my blog: Why We Shouldn’t Ban Screen Time for Children Under 2.)

The important this is to have a balance. I find that the older kids do really well with these limits that we have in place. (Of course, the limits wouldn’t work if we didn’t have a good management system in place.) I love putting on these educational YouTube Playlists with my little ones (and the older ones love them too!) to teach them letters, numbers, vocabulary, nursery rhymes, and more! I also have loved using these educational apps to teach my young children the fundamentals.

Instead of having cable TV, we’ve connected our TV to a computer so that we are very purposeful about what we watch. Using Netflix, YouTube, Network websites, and DVDs, we watch programs like Dora, Super Why, Little Einsteins, Preschool Prep videos, Your Baby Can Read videos, and Leapfrog videos that are all great learning tools.

By having these educational screen time options set up, I am able to use them as a babysitter if I need to put the baby down, make some food, cuddle a crying toddler, or whatever other “emergency” that might pop up. This definitely saves my sanity.

11. Living Close to Scott’s Work

The best thing we ever did was move really really close to where Scott works. And I’m not talking close like 15 minutes away, I’m talking like two minutes away. 15 minutes away means a 30 minute trip home and back and so lunchtime visits will be out of the question. 2 minutes away means that he can pop home whenever he can without wasting any time in the car.

We have lived together for many many years where Scott had over an hour commute each way, and that in comparison to this was horrendous. Now, the time he is away from us, he is earning money, not just sitting in a car. We also have more time together in the mornings and evenings, and he can get me something from the grocery store if I need it without too much hassle.

An added bonus is that he’s able to come home for lunch every day. How can spending time with co-workers compare with that? Not only am I able to make him a nutritious lunch every day, but he’s able to pitch in and give me a hand while he’s here. We also enjoy napping together from time to time. 😉 What could be better than that?

12. Dealing with the Boredom

It’s a weird juxtaposition because when I was working full time and had two little ones, I never had enough time, and now, here I am, still very busy, but also, well…bored (sometimes). It’s a crazy feeling to be bored when you’re not used to it. When I was working, I was so used to scheduling and filling all of my time, and then when I became a stay at home mom, I felt like there was this pressure to go to play groups, get involved in activities, sign up my kids up for things, and cart them around to avoid the boredom.

I tried this for a little while, and it didn’t work for me. The kids just do better (the little ones especially) when we can stay home. When we’re here, I don’t need to worry about what food they are going to eat, and they can nap in their beds whenever they need to (rather than falling asleep in their car seats). So yes, rather than feeling stressed, I sometimes feel bored, and honestly…I LOVE it! I mean, are you kidding me? I can just lay on a bed for an hour playing mouth bubble games with Julian, spend time cuddled on the couch reading books with Ophelia, really focus on building towers with Elliot, and get really creative doing art projects with Ruby…um, yes please!

I know that these days are passing by quick and that I don’t need to have everything in my life balanced all the time (i.e. 25% of my time for me, 25% of my time for work, 25% of my time for my husband, and 25% of my time for the kids). I know that while they are little, children demand an insane amount of attention, and so I balance out time for everything else after that. I know that someday I’m going to be an old lady remembering these as the “good old days” and I will have more than enough time “just for me”. (Which is also why I love taking tons of pictures and movies and keeping memory books!)

13. Find Ways to Relax

There is certainly nothing wrong with cracking a beer or having a glass of wine from time to time (if that suits you), but if this is the only way that you can “unwind” or “relax” after a long day, you’re asking for trouble. See, kids don’t take time off for you to drink, and as soon as you crack a beer because you finally got them to sleep, you just know that they will wake up in half an hour to nurse or need to use the potty. Plus, when we put the kids to bed, that is the time when my husband likes to work on his programming or music side projects, and I like to work on blogging. We’re not just looking to veg out and deaden our minds…ok, sometimes we are (Game of Thrones anyone?).

Here are some of the things that I do that help me to relax:

Kombucha: Not only is kombucha good for helping to build a healthy gut flora, but it can help to relax you too. There’s about as much alcohol in a kombucha as a non-alcoholic beer, but unlike drinking beer, the euphoric “high” I get from drinking a kombucha is nothing like the buzz I get from drinking a beer. It feels uplifting, invigorating, and relaxing all at the same time. In Nourishing Traditions, Sally Fallon states that it’s even more hydrating than water. Check out my kombucha recipe to learn how to make your own.
Bath: We inherited this crazy sit down Jacuzzi tub from the previous owners of our house, and we all just love it! At times, you can find either Scott or I piled in there with three kids. But I really love getting the water as hot as possible, putting in some bath salts, putting my Enya mix on, dimming the lights, closing my eyes, and enjoying a good soak.
Massage: Sometimes a quick shoulder rub or a foot massage can just make the problems of the world melt away. My husband is always so generous to give me the attention of his hands when I need it, and I like to do the same for him.
Alone Time: After a long day cooped inside with the kids, sometimes I just need a half an hour to myself. I might go out and weed the garden or hop in the car to go drop some books off at the library. Just having a few moments to catch my breath without anyone needing me is all I need to reset my clock.
Being Intimate: Sometimes we get so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs that we forget to make time for us. Enjoying a good cuddle on the couch wrapped up in each other’s arms is a very good way to relax.

In Conclusion

My husband encounters a lot of older women at his job who tell him how amazing it is that I’m able to stay at home with the kids and how they wish they could have done that with their little ones too. But he’s never once met anyone who has said that they stayed home to raise their little ones and have then regretted it ever since. (Can you imagine?)

Personally, I don’t think that staying at home with the kids is something that I will ever regret. In fact, I think that it is one of the greatest things that I have ever done. I can’t imagine being a grandmother forty years from now saying, “The one regret I have is putting my career on hold while I raised my children”. All I can say is that after much soul searching, self reflection, and following these steps, I love my life, I am completely happy, and I feel like every day is a gift.

July 15, 2015/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

How True Love Began

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

When I think about what makes our marriage of almost ten years work so well, it’s not our career choices, it’s not about what we do in our free time, it’s not about our four amazing children, it’s not about date nights, or even finding sexy time, it’s all about our story. The story of us. I have dated guys before where the story of our union was bland, uninteresting, or even embarrassing, but Scott and I have an amazing and wonderful story, and I believe that this magical story has laid the foundation for what has become our strong marriage and our wonderful life.

It all started when I came back to my hometown in Michigan one summer after spending a year in Colorado for my first teaching job. I was struggling to meet people besides co-workers in my new life out west, and it felt really good to visit my hometown where I knew so many people and everything felt so familiar.

I made plans one night to hang out with my brother and his girlfriend, and we decided to hit up Billy’s. It was 80s night, and they had some great drink specials. As the three of us were sitting in the booth, sipping our beverages that would give us the social lubrication needed to dance with a sweaty pile of strangers, I whipped out a strange letter that I had received in the mail that day.

It was a letter I had written to myself six years ago in my high school English class. The teacher had promised to mail these letters to us five years after we graduated, but serendipitously, something happened to delay her correspondence. As I showed my brother and his girlfriend the letter, which was about how I hoped that I would be happy, and grounded, and not working too hard, and so on, we laughed at some messy green handwriting that changed my sentence describing how I wished that sometime in the future I would be able to sleep whenever I wanted to say, “and sleep with whoever I want”.

The Letter I Had Written to Myself in High School

“Did your teacher write that?” Sally asked.

“I couldn’t imagine that she would!” I replied. “But for the life of me, I can’t remember anyone doing this.” What a mystery, we all concluded.

A little while later, we were joined by one of my brother’s good friends, Scott. Scott was someone I had known forever. He had been my brother’s best friend for ages, we had worked together at the B.O.B. together for a number of years, and we went to high school together (for two years at least). We had always known each other or had been friends it seemed. He even visited me in Colorado a few times when he was on the road for his job with Edutainment’s Drunk Driving Simulator. But he was always “my brother’s friend” and I just saw him as a buddy. (Although looking back at it now, I can see how our friendship had started becoming more meaningful after he visited me in Colorado.)

An email I wrote to my husband before I knew I even liked him

Email I Wrote to Scott Before We Were Dating

So anyways, he had heard that I was in town and hanging out at Billy’s, and so he came down to join us. As he slid into the booth, he was holding up an envelope, and excitedly blurted out, “You’ll never guess what I got in the mail today!” He proceeded to share with us a letter that he had received from his high school English teacher that he had written to himself six years ago. (Sound familiar?)

“The strange thing about it though,” he explained, “is that there are all of these snarky comments written in pencil throughout the letter.” As he mused about whether or not his teacher had written those comments, Jarrod, Sally, and I were all staring at each other bug eyed and Sally blurted out,

“Put the letters together!” Not understanding the possible connection, Scott slapped his letter face up on the table and I placed my letter next to his. My letter was written in pencil with messy green handwriting and his letter was written in messy green handwriting with comments written in pencil. As I explained how I too had received a letter in the mail from my high school English teacher that I had written to myself six years ago, our eyes slowly gazed upwards and connected in the most magical of moments I have ever experienced. There were many “Oh my gods!”, slappings of the table, “I can’t believe its”, and a number of other expletives and expressive comments that followed after we realized that we had written on each other’s letters!

When I saw those two letters side by side, I felt like a patient awakening from a long coma, and all of my memories that I had with Scott in it suddenly came flooding into focus, but it was like I was seeing them with a different lens. I remembered his “two-tie-Tuesday” ritual in high school and his amazing sense of humor that drew everyone in. I remembered a time in English class when I was the new girl, and he scooted his desk close to mine for an assignment and totally made me feel at ease with his confidence and humor. I remembered working at the catering company together, and how I would trade him Captain and Cokes from my bar for some prime rib that he was carving at the buffet table, and how we would always share a million laughs. He was always game for anything, and I remembered one time when I bet him $1 to eat a handful of old slimy mushrooms…and he did!

After a few more drinks, we were dancing crazily on the dance floor together, and as we let the music of “Come on Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners and “Let’s Hear It for the Boy” by Deniece Williams wash over us, and we yelled loudly (once again) that we couldn’t believe our letters, our eyes met, and like the attraction between two magnetic poles, we were drawn together by some unseen force. As our lips brushed against each others for the first time, I felt an electricity and an explosion of fireworks unlike anything I had ever experienced before. From that moment on, we were inseparable, our bodies pressed together and our lips constantly intertwined. One of our friends who was supposed to give us a ride was getting a little annoyed with us, and at one point my brother put his hand between our faces. He wasn’t too happy.

But like it or not, for the rest of the summer, we were inseparable. Everyone knew I had to go back to Colorado and no one wanted to see us get hurt, but irregardless, we did everything together, and I had more fun than I’ve ever had in my life. Period. There was one special day where we got a little giddy and went garage saleing. We each had an “allowance” to spend, and I don’t remember what I got, but Scott picked out a puffy green vest, a large talking robot, and a VHS of the Ducktails movie. (We still have all of those items today. Elliot has actually claimed the robot for himself.)

Well, there came a time when I had to go back to my job in Colorado. He had some time off from work and decided to drive with me and help me set up my classroom for the year. We had the most amazing road trip and enjoyed camping along the way, complete with beers around campfires underneath starry skies.

The week he spent with me in Colorado went by way too fast. I remember listening to “Lonesome Sundown” by theHalo Benders on the way to the airport and feeling like I was about to cut off my right leg or something. We traded shirts (so we could smell each other) before he boarded the airplane, and I cried all the way home. I found his goodbye letter on my computer when I got home where he expressed his love for me for the first time. That night, I wrote him a letter that I never intended to give to him. It said how I had fallen completely and madly in love with him and that I wanted him to stay with me so bad, but that I didn’t want to ask him, I wanted it to be his choice.

part one of a poem I wrote to my (now) husband when I first knew I loved him

Part One of My Poem to Scott

part two of a poem I wrote to my (now) husband when I first knew I loved him

Part Two of My Poem to Scott

a poem my (now) husband wrote to me when he first realized he loved me before having to leave

Part One of Scott’s Poem to Me Declaring His Love

Part Two of Scott’s Poem to Me Declaring His Love

We talked on the phone constantly after he left, and after we expressed all of our feelings with reckless abandon, he told me that he couldn’t live without out me and that he wanted to quit his job, get out of his lease (with my brother – sorry about that Jarrod), and come live with me. I was absolutely ecstatically over the moon beyond happy. “Of course!” I shouted.

Ten days after he originally left, I was picking him up from the airport. A few months later, on the top of Dinosaur Ridge (one of our favorite hiking places), he proposed.

a handwritten description of how scott proposed with pictures from Dinosaur Ridge in Colorado

A Page From My Journal About Scott’s Proposal

We were were married that summer in my parents’ field underneath two twisty trees that my Dad had been weaving together for the last umpteen years. It was an amazing wedding full of music, love, family, and meaning.

Our Wedding July 17, 2005

Today, we are happily married and can’t believe that we are about to celebrate our tenth anniversary. When we look at our four beautiful children and reflect on who we are and who we were, we are thankful to have found our soulmates, and we look forward to the day when we are two old farts, sitting on our porch swing, watching the sunset, and remembering how it all began. For our third wedding anniversary, I put together an album of our story so that we would always remember it.

The Dedication Page From Our “Falling in Love” Scrapbook

As the years go by, and more stories accumulate, we love reflecting on the story of us and how it all began. From the very beginning, we were crazy about each other and couldn’t be apart. The same is true today, but instead of just being a tingling feeling of ecstasy, it is a deep, penetrating, connecting feeling that not only completes us but continues to grow.

March 30, 2015/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

What Happened When My Daughter Told Me She Only Half Loved Me

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

my five year old daughter outside wearing a winter coat and a serious look on her face

Ever since our fourth child has been born, I’ve kind of been in survival mode, trying to navigate the life of stay at home mom with an extra little person attached to my boob 24/7. My oldest daughter is 5 and our fourth child is 4 months old now, so needless to say, I’m a busy woman! But even though I’m very busy, I always try to make giving each child a lot of attention my top priority, or at least, I thought I did…

a picture my five year old drew to show how much she loves her daddy

I Love My Dad and My Dad Loves Me

for 100s day Ruby said she wished she had 100 dads

I Wish I Had 100 Dads

It all started one morning when I was talking to our oldest daughter, Ruby, about the kindergarten conference I had had with her teacher the evening before, and I asked her why she only wrote stories in class about her Dad and about how much she loves him. To be honest, I thought this “Daddy love” started because she felt sorry for him not getting enough attention, and I just thought it was cute that she wanted to wear her “Daddy Rocks” t-shirt every day, but I didn’t actually think it meant that she loved me any less.

I mean, come on! I carried her for 9 months, I went through 36 hours of labor to meet her, I nursed her every two hours day and night until she was a year old, I gave up my career to stay at home and take care of her…of course I’m her favorite! …or so I thought.

So I asked her. “Ruby, why do always write stories about your dad?”

“Because I love him more than anything in the world,” she replied matter of factly.

“Well, you love me too, right?” I asked. At that point, I expected a quick, “Of course mom!” and then we would all be on our way and I could stop being paranoid. But that’s not what happened. What happened is that she paused. For a looooooong time. “Oh no!” I thought, “This can’t be good!”

And then she scrunched up her face like she always does when she’s deep in thought and she said, “Well, I only half love you.”

“What do you mean,” I stammered, sure that I had misunderstood her somehow.

“I only half love you mom. It’s just what’s in my heart,” she explained without any remorse.

As the weight of those words sank in, I had no response. “Oh, ok,” was all that I could muster before she rushed off to play.

So of course, I let my world crumble around me and reflected on all of the ways that I was failing as a mother. I thought about how busy I’ve been, and I knew that I had all of the excuses in the world! I mean, we’ve only been living in this new house less than a year and there are still an endless amount of projects to be done, my baby is only 4 months old and there are some nights when I only get a few hours of sleep (and the days of me being able to take a nap during the day are long gone), I spend a lot of time preparing healthy food, and then I have this blog that I love, but which also pulls me away.

And then there’s Ruby, so resilient and so strong. She’s been through five moves in the last five years, adjusted to three new babies in her life, and then after we finally got settled in our new home and new routines, she started kindergarten, moved to a new school halfway through the year, and had to get used to spending the majority of the day away from me, from us.

And then my thoughts went in the other direction, and I thought, hey, I’m the mom, not the friend, and if in doing what’s best for her and meeting her needs in the best way I know how means that I’m not always her favorite, well then so be it. Sometimes a mom’s job is hard because we need to see the whole picture, not just get through each individual moment.

But then my thoughts went back in the other direction, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks how I had been putting her on the back burner because I knew that she could handle it. When she started kindergarten, I gave her all of the attention in the world as she made the adjustment, but then my attention drifted to the new baby as we figured each other out and then our other baby, Ophelia, who is 20 months now, needed me more than ever as she adjusted to having to share my lap. And then there was Elliot who finally got to be the oldest while Ruby was at school and his needs were always in the forefront of my mind as I would think about the ways in which I could challenge him and help him grow in this last year and a half that I get him at home before he goes away too.

So after looking into my soul and seeing all of this, I knew that something needed to change. Not a drastic “scrap everything and do a complete 180” change, but a minor tweak that could bring this family back into balance. I knew that I needed to put Ruby back in the forefront of my mind, and when I did, I almost cried because I had missed her being there so much. I thought about her as a little baby and how I would look deep into her soulful eyes wondering what she would be like when she was older, and then I looked at her now, and she is so amazing and so wonderful and my heart felt like it was about to burst with how much I loved her.

And then I found her playing quietly with her My Little Ponies and I just scooped her onto my lap in a big bear hug. I nestled my nose into her hair and told her how much I loved her. And then we just started talking about everything and she said something so amazing and profound. She said, “Mom, I just don’t know where my heart belongs – at school or at home.” We went on to talk about how yes, she spends more time during the week at school, but when you count up the hours at night and on the weekend that she actually spends much more time at home. And then I explained how you can pack up your heart and take it with you where ever you go, but that when you’re home is when your heart is truly at peace and can breathe a big sigh of release knowing that it is safe and sound.

I told her how sorry I was that I had let her slip through the cracks lately, and I told her how I had gotten a little too busy lately, but that she was always in my heart and that I loved her more than anything in the world. I also explained to her that I thought that we were spending a lot of time together because she was always helping me with projects like sewing or making cookies, but I told her that I would spend some time every day doing what she wanted to do like playing a game or something. I also decided to let her ride up front with me on her way home from school (in her booster seat with the airbag turned off) so that we could have more time to chat.

I could just see her soften before my very eyes the more we talked. It was almost like she had started holding her breath ever since Julian was born and now she was finally letting it out. She hugged me tighter than ever, and I felt so close and so connected to her in that moment. The next morning while her, Daddy, and I had breakfast together, the mood was different somehow. Scott and I both clearly noticed the difference in her.

my daughter and I sorting through her school papers

Ruby and I Bonding While Sorting Through Her School Work

It’s been two weeks since that day, and I feel like Ruby and I are closer than ever. Our daily chats in the car after school are getting more and more interesting and complex and I am finally hearing about her school day in ways I never did before. When we get home, I take some time to just be with her doing whatever she wants and when her tank is full, she rushes off to play happy as can be.

Being a mom is a balancing act. It’s like I have all of these plates spinning all the time, and I have to know which ones to tend to next so that they don’t all fall. I let Ruby’s plate wobble dangerously close to toppling over, but I was able to get her spinning again just in time. In doing so, I had to let all of the other plates wobble just a fraction of a second longer as I re-calibrated my time, but now we are in a nice comfortable routine where everyone’s needs are being met…for now that is. As we get comfortable in this new normal, I am keeping one watchful eye out for the next plate that starts to wobble, and so the cycle will continue because that is what is being a good mom is all about.

March 24, 2015/5 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

My Number One Priority As a Mom

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

The most important thing to do with your children isn’t teaching them the ABCs, developing their oral language, teaching them how to read, or instilling manners or math skills. And while these things are important, they mean nothing without this…your love, your presence, your undivided attention…YOU.

I’ll do anything for my kids, and I want them to grow up knowing that I’ll always put them first – not with just my words, but my actions too.

Now, putting them first doesn’t mean that I put myself or my marriage second – because children need a happy mother, a happy father, and parents who love each other.

Happily Married for Two Years

What it means is that I don’t want them to feel pushed aside because I needed to clean the house, work on my blog, or go on a date with Daddy. I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt that they are top priority and that I’d do anything for them.

Putting them first means that I will teach them things that will prepare them for the future and challenge their minds, that I will be there to set boundaries and hold them accountable, and that I will provide them with nutritious food and teach them how to make healthy choices. But most importantly, I will hold them.

When they come to me with open arms, I will drop everything to squeeze them tight. I will hug them, cuddle them, smooth their hair, and scratch their backs until they pull away from me to go play. I will fill their tanks with so much love that they will have the confidence to be away from me and still wear my love on their sleeves.

Hugging our children is simply the best!

Family Photo

When children feel loved, they can take on the world. It gives them confidence, strength, and the ability to love others. It makes them feel important and like they matter. Having parents who love them is what gives children their wings.

This is what that love looks like…

1. Hug, Kiss, Snuggle, and Cuddle

With four kids five and under, I have my hands full! I am constantly busy doing dishes, laundry, preparing food, setting up learning stations, writing, and any other number of things. Lately, I’ve realized how much I have to prioritize because it seems that I can never completely tackle my “to do” list.

That being said, cuddles, hugs, kisses, and snuggles always take a top priority, especially when I can tell that my little ones need me. Even if I’ve just started making a batch of sourdough muffins or I finally found a time to sit down and write, I will stop whatever I’m doing to drop down and give a hug, or go to the couch and read a book, or just rock them on my lap and smooth their hair.

Even when my kids are happily engaged and playing and I’m elbows deep in chores, whenever I see a little body race by, I do not hesitate to scoop it up in a big bear hug and smother it with kisses, or give a head scratch, or a little back rub.

I do not take these moments for granted. I know that they will only be little once and so I kiss their chubby cheeks, snuggle up on the couch with a pile of books and silkies, hug them tightly, and cuddle them close whenever I can.

2. Say I Love You Often

Sometimes, we tend to not say the things that are implied as often as we should. It might seem obvious by your actions that you love your children, but I think that they still need to hear you say it many many times every single day. It shouldn’t be something forced that you say on the hour, but whenever you feel it well up inside of you, just say it!

Whenever you find yourself completely in awe of this life that you carried inside of you, that shared a body with you, that you nursed, cuddled, and rocked through so many things – whenever you get an ache in your heart because you can literally feel it growing with love, about to burst with joy, say it out loud! Tell them exactly how amazing they are and how complete they make you feel.

3. Play

My kids have these amazing imaginations and play these crazy intricate imagination games with little figures and houses, building toys, or dress up clothes. my husband and I love getting on the floor with them and introducing new ways of play. Sometimes we’ll show them a new scenario and other times we’ll just follow their lead.

They need their tanks to be filled with love before they are ready to go and play on their own. One of our favorite things to do is to just play together. It’s an honor to be let into their worlds and it’s an insight into their brains and a little glimpse as to what is going on inside.

4. Tickle, Wrestle, and Fight

Every night before bed, my husband wrestles with all of the kids, and it is pretty much their favorite part of the day. It motivates them to drop whatever they’re doing and put their pajamas on so that they can race into the bedroom to fight their dad. He loves it too, and it is so cute to see them roughhouse and play. I’m a little better with the tickles than the wrestling.

I know how to find just the right tickle spot…under the neck, behind the knee, or right on the belly! The kids love interacting with their grandpas through wrestling and fighting too. I think that wrestling is a very important part of the expression of love.

5. Listen

When you listen, and I mean really listen, you stop talking, you pause, you wait. With little children who don’t have the biggest vocabulary, it can be easy to speak for them and to supply an endless stream of chatter to make up for their silence. But when we learn how to slow down, stop talking, and really listen, we can hear so much more. If we get down to their level and get into their world they will open up in ways we couldn’t imagine.

6. Arrange Your Time

I know that we all have a thousand things to do and a million places to be, but we can make our lives as peaceful or as hectic as we want them to be. Trust me, we have gone through five moves and made some major life changes in the last five years so that we could be where we are today.

When we had our first child and I came back into the classroom after an amazing 12 week maternity leave, a mother said something that really stuck with me. She actually wasn’t my student’s mother, but his grandmother who had taken custody of him and we were chatting about me being back at work. I said that of course I would love to be at home with my daughter, but I explained that I made more money than my husband and we couldn’t survive on one income. I explained how we didn’t have a choice, but even still, she said to me sweetly, “You can never get that time back.” How rude of her to say, I thought. Doesn’t she know my situation?

Now that I’m staying home with my next two children and I see them throughout every single moment and milestone, I mourn for the time that I wasn’t with my first two while they were in daycare and I was juggling too much. We have worked hard to make our children a priority and it is a decision that I don’t think we will ever regret.

In Conclusion

There are a lot of things that I like to blog about pertaining to how kids learn, how to use food as our medicine, how to use the best parenting strategies, and my journey into motherhood, but nothing, absolutely NOTHING is as important as what I’ve covered in this post. Yes, all of the things that I write about have helped to bring our family to its current state of happiness, but the number one priority above all is love. It’s about giving your children all of you, the best you, the real you, and it’s about enjoying every moment in the moment and realizing that these sleepless nights, endless cuddles, and constant companionship represents but a fleeting time in our lives that we should embrace.

January 16, 2015/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

These Are the Best Days of Our Lives

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

There are two ways we can look at the different stages in our lives.

We can say, this is a difficult time and I’m going to make the best of it because I know that what lies on the other side will be sweet sweet bliss.
We can embrace every moment in every stage as the best moments we will ever live.

Right now in this early parenting stage with little ones up in the night, surviving on little to no sleep, trying to figure out how to get our kids to eat healthy, establish a bedtime routine, learn manners…it’s all new, every single thing! It would be easy to say to each other, we’ll get through this. Just ___ more months or years and it will be just me and you, sitting on the couch, enjoying free time to do whatever we want! But then I see us…sitting on the couch, night after night after night with endless amounts of free time, and I get bored just thinking about it! I know that when all of our children are grown, moved out of the house, and having children of their own, we will embrace our new role as parents to adult children and eventually as grandparents. There will be a peaceful sort of bliss as we watch our children venture on their own, make their own mistakes in life, come to us to share their joys and sorrows, and we will patiently listen and support them as they come into their own. But I also know that we will look back at these times with young children as some of the best times of our lives. The late sleepless nights and the worry about what to do with a crying baby, a screaming toddler, or a defiant child will melt away in the farthest recesses of our mind as we remember their chubby little cheeks and how they would look at us like we were the only thing that mattered in the whole world, how their eyes would light up with laughter and delight at the very indication of a tickle, and how their sweet smell would calm and comfort us as we snuggled close for a cuddle.

When we had two children and I was starting to think about going back to work, I felt like I had to “get through” these stages so that I could “get back” to my career, make more money, provide…provide what? After having our third little angel, and settling into this amazing life up north, I am finally accepting that these ARE the best days of our life… and I don’t just say it with a forced grin. I don’t talk about how I “get through” the boredom of being a stay at home mom because it’s “what’s best” for my children. I am finally EMBRACING every moment and it is SO liberating. I see every moment as the last chance I’ll get to experience THAT moment and I want to make the most out of it. There are lots of little things that I have done to get to this stage of ultimate bliss, but the most important thing I’ve done is let go. We still talk about the future and what it could look like, but I’m not waiting for it with baited breath. I am here. I am present. I am living every moment RIGHT NOW.

When Scott and are two old people cuddled up on the porch swing, tucked under a warm blanket while we watch the sun dip below the horizon, we will look back on our lives with nostalgia and joy and we WON’T regret that we worked too much, or that we were too busy trying to cram in too many activities, or that we were so worried about money that it got in the way of what’s really important. Us. People. Time. Family. Moments. We will know that we embraced it all, we lived each moment to it’s fullest, and we were happy every step of the way.

October 22, 2013/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

Who’s Got Time For a Blog?

General, Me, Myself, and I, Mom Talk

I am the wife of an amazing husband who works so hard for our family and the mother of three lovely children, a 3 month old who likes to be held constantly, a rambunctious 2 year old, and a very wise 4 year old who is on the cusp of starting preschool. So why oh why would I delve into the world of blogging and web design??? To put it simply, it’s for my sanity. It’s for my soul, and it’s for the fact that even though I am a devoted mother who would lay my life on the line for my children and do anything for my husband, I still need to feel connected to the person who is just me. It’s so easy to give all of me and still feel like there is never enough, but when I am able to give to myself, what I am able to give to others is so much richer and full of honesty and joy. And so I have chosen to write this blog to nurture my soul and feed my adult brain so that I can be there 100% when I cuddle with my children, embrace my husband, and tell them that I love them with all of my heart.

September 3, 2013/0 Comments/by Stacey Maaser

Posts

1. Don’t Be a Bully

2. Motherhood Unites Us

3. Be a Good Mom Friend

4. What’s Right for You Isn’t Right for Everyone

5. Don’t Compare Yourself to Other Moms

6. Stop Trying to Portray Perfection

7. Avoid Being a Copycat Mom

8. Don’t Take Everything Personally

9. Find Your Own Happiness

In Conclusion

1. I Found a Way to Make It Happen

2. Finding My Identity

3. Owning It In the Kitchen!

4. Creating a Morning Routine

5. Filling Their Tanks First

6. Finding Time for Me

7. Making It Fun…For Me!

8. Learning Goals for the Kids

9. Creating a Stimulating Environment

10. Educational Screen Time

11. Living Close to Scott’s Work

12. Dealing with the Boredom

13. Find Ways to Relax

In Conclusion

I’ll do anything for my kids, and I want them to grow up knowing that I’ll always put them first – not with just my words, but my actions too.

This is what that love looks like…

1. Hug, Kiss, Snuggle, and Cuddle

2. Say I Love You Often

3. Play

4. Tickle, Wrestle, and Fight

5. Listen

6. Arrange Your Time

In Conclusion

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